What no one else knows
We do all search for the truth. Atleast something that can be accepted as the truth. But what if you knew how it actually was, and everyone around you pretended something else? Would you speak out loud, risking to sound accusing and be accused yourself, or would you just step aside and let everyone belive the new story?
I know it wasn't there it all was starting. I know how much you disliked them, how you felt that you didn't fit in. I know how you fought for their attention. But you've happily told people around you your story, which is sweet as a cupcake. How you've been best friends since first class. You forgot to tell them about me, about our bestfriendship that lasted about four whole years. Who always was there when you felt lonely, who accepted you for who you are.
I knew you inside-out, your deepest feelings and I could tell immediatly if you had a new top.
But now, you're just somebody I used to know.
Old habits
I love the autumn. The only time of the year, in which you actually have time to try something new. In which you have routines, a safe ground to stand on. You don't have to worry about your grades, the final tests, the summerjob. It's still warm outside and it's a firework of colours.
How I wish it was autumn.
Changes
Last year I belived, that the majority of the changes was bad. I hated my new life, and at the same time longed for my old. The old life in which I had the best grades. In which I had won the competition I thought I never could. In which I had friends I loved. Half of my old classmates were wonderful. I was happy with life. Satisfied. I could have died there, and rested in piece. But my ambition, who'd created it all for me, were gone. The ambition who defined me.
So when I lowered my grades, seperated from my friends, some which I realize now never cared, I felt lost. I hated my new class, my new school, everything. My life fell apart inside me, even though I continued smiling so no one would notice. I kept telling people how my determind mind was my biggest strength, but in my interior I felt that was a quality long lost.
Today, I try. I try to get that ambition back, but I also try to find other things that define me. That I can depend upon, if I fall again. And I feel it. Every day, I feel a little bit more confident. A little bit more like me. A little bit more like the one I was, but still, a little bit more like the one I've become.
basic
I think that anyone who reads all my posts belives I'm a pretty sad person. Actually, that's not the case at all (or, yes, sometimes). But mostly I'm happy. But then I write in my happy blogg, with my real identity. So anyone who reads that blog belive I'm happy 24/7. And that's not the case at all.
I'm like anyone else. Sometimes happy. Sometimes sad. Sometimes tierd of everything. Sometimes very positiv.
But at the same time, I'm not like anyone else. I'm me, even though I haven't really figured out who that is...
And then the world spins again
I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to have athletic-classes. I don't want to wake up early in the morning. I don't want to feel that I've done nothing important. I haven't got a job. I haven't got the best grades. I don't have a boyfriend. I'm not famous. i'm not really rich. I'm unsure if my best friend really likes me. I always see people who look better, who've succeeded. Which I haven't.
Today, my life sucks.
Improvement
Many people say that we are better at the things we like. That if you like writing you're atomatically good at it, that if you like athletics you run fast. I've never belived in that, even though I do realize that they're connected. Because if I like something, I practice, practice and practice even further. And then I atomatically become better. I write the best texts when I write about something that makes me care. German was one of my best subjects because i loved speaking it. I'm good at math because I think it's interesting, that we can make our daily life easier if we know our math.
Finally, I just want to say keep going! I should keep going with the things I like, because it's only then I can succeed. And of course you should keep going. Then we can develop the world.
What am I doing?
Adventure
Right now I'm waiting for à bus, which will take me to my future. Because I've never liked my recent school, but maybe I somehow can fix it in the future.
Underestimated
I'm really sad right now. I shouldn't because everything is working properly and soon we have holiday in school. But I've just found out that I might not get the grade I want in one subjet. One subject, it shouldn't be a big deal. And might, nothing is sure yet. But for me it's quite a big deal. All my thougths are focused on it, and I'm not sure I can have a good time if I don't deal with it. So I'm going to talk to my teacher again tomorrow and hopefully he can say something that makes me feel better.
Until then I'm listening to Coldplay, who always makes me feel better.
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
And the truth is, I miss you
It's all self-defense. You've hurt me more than anyone else, because you were one of my best friends. At that moment, you promised me to never do this again. And don't worry, I won't let you. I won't let you come into my heart, just so you can break it again.
But the truth is, I miss you. So much, that I'll never repair.
Why?
Outsider
But I'm trying now, I try everyday to be a little bit more me and be less fake. Because the outsider inside me is batteling for its life to come out.
Rules
Rules, especially unwritten rules, are just rules as long as everybody is aware of them. And you're not.
Hate homeworks!!!
Challenge
Right now I'm quite nervous. This afternoon I'm going to do something that isn't really my thing. I'm going on a dinner that might lead to a nannywork. And I'm not good in taking care of children. I try to learn from my sister, but I don't really have "it". I love children, but I'm always the one standing beside and looks on others holding the child. I'm never the one that holds. But I must face my fear, and challenge myself.
Because if I don't learn my limits, I can not break them.