What no one else knows

We do all search for the truth. Atleast something that can be accepted as the truth. But what if you knew how it actually was, and everyone around you pretended something else? Would you speak out loud, risking to sound accusing and be accused yourself, or would you just step aside and let everyone belive the new story?

I know it wasn't there it all was starting. I know how much you disliked them, how you felt that you didn't fit in. I know how you fought for their attention. But you've happily told people around you your story, which is sweet as a cupcake. How you've been best friends since first class. You forgot to tell them about me, about our bestfriendship that lasted about four whole years. Who always was there when you felt lonely, who accepted you for who you are.

I knew you inside-out, your deepest feelings and I could tell immediatly if you had a new top.

But now, you're just somebody I used to know.

2012-05-05 @ 23:37:18
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Old habits

Sometimes I ask myself, "what happened to all the time I had?" All the time, that I was going to be outdoors on. That I was going to study on. That I was going to do a lot on. Learn how to draw. Meet friends. Do something for the environment. Watch top model late evenings. laugh with an ice cream in my hand. Get a better sense of style. Fotograph. Start a successful blog. Travel. Visit Gothenburg. Relax. Create jewellerys. Play the pianos. Write stories.

I love the autumn. The only time of the year, in which you actually have time to try something new. In which you have routines, a safe ground to stand on. You don't have to worry about your grades, the final tests, the summerjob. It's still warm outside and it's a firework of colours.

How I wish it was autumn.

2012-05-01 @ 23:05:07
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Changes

It's difficult to imagine, how easily things develope during time. How one thing can go from certain one day to dizzy the next. How friends we used to know, don't longer react in the same way. How knowledges we take for granted, can turn out to be great lies. Is it possible for us to control all these changes, or should we just go with the flow? Can we handle them, or do we need solid stones to stand on?

Last year I belived, that the majority of the changes was bad. I hated my new life, and at the same time longed for my old. The old life in which I had the best grades. In which I had won the competition I thought I never could. In which I had friends I loved. Half of my old classmates were wonderful. I was happy with life. Satisfied. I could have died there, and rested in piece. But my ambition, who'd created it all for me, were gone. The ambition who defined me.

So when I lowered my grades, seperated from my friends, some which I realize now never cared, I felt lost. I hated my new class, my new school, everything. My life fell apart inside me, even though I continued smiling so no one would notice. I kept telling people how my determind mind was my biggest strength, but in my interior I felt that was a quality long lost.

Today, I try. I try to get that ambition back, but I also try to find other things that define me. That I can depend upon, if I fall again. And I feel it. Every day, I feel a little bit more confident. A little bit more like me. A little bit more like the one I was, but still, a little bit more like the one I've become.
2012-03-26 @ 20:10:50
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Improvement

Many people say that we are better at the things we like. That if you like writing you're atomatically good at it, that if you like athletics you run fast. I've never belived in that, even though I do realize that they're connected. Because if I like something, I practice, practice and practice even further. And then I atomatically become better. I write the best texts when I write about something that makes me care. German was one of my best subjects because i loved speaking it. I'm good at math because I think it's interesting, that we can make our daily life easier if we know our math.

Finally, I just want to say keep going! I should keep going with the things I like, because it's only then I can succeed. And of course you should keep going. Then we can develop the world.

2011-11-21 @ 20:59:11
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Adventure

Right now I'm waiting for à bus, which will take me to my future. Because I've never liked my recent school, but maybe I somehow can fix it in the future.

2011-11-02 @ 11:36:12
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Why?

One of My best friends cancelled lur meeting, again! She always does things like that, so I'm not surprised anymore. But as my teacher says: we like out friends for who they are, not what they do. And I must think like that, because I do love her.
2011-10-07 @ 16:34:37
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Outsider

How do we know if we're outsiders? I've always liked to talk about myself as an outsider, that invisible person that in the future will be bigger (now I talk about politics) than anyone before (in a good way of course, a saving-the-environment-way). But I still try to fit in, laughing at boring jokes and gossiping about the one you should gossip about. I want to be that popular, funny and never-boring girl that people look up to. Even though the real me likes to read, can be lonley for hours and still thinks it's cosy, and actually like school.

But I'm trying now, I try everyday to be a little bit more me and be less fake. Because the outsider inside me is batteling for its life to come out.
2011-10-05 @ 22:06:04
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Rules

What if I know how to behaive, what's appropirate, how to react, what to awswer, and you don't? You answer wrong, behave unappropirate. Then all my knowlegde are for nothing. Because you don't care, you can't care.

Rules, especially unwritten rules, are just rules as long as everybody is aware of them. And you're not.
2011-10-04 @ 21:45:14
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Challenge

Right now I'm quite nervous. This afternoon I'm going to do something that isn't really my thing. I'm going on a dinner that might lead to a nannywork. And I'm not good in taking care of children. I try to learn from my sister, but I don't really have "it". I love children, but I'm always the one standing beside and looks on others holding the child. I'm never the one that holds. But I must face my fear, and challenge myself.

Because if I don't learn my limits, I can not break them.

2011-10-01 @ 15:10:37
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When nothing really matters

Sometimes I just want to stop the time. To rewind, so I can practise more before a test, so I can sleep more, so I can earn more money. So I can be a little bit more social, so I can be a better writer and photographer and so I can really do what I want to, atleast one day. Becasue now I always have that stupid feeling in my stomach before I go to bed, that I could have done so much more. That I'm not taking care of my time, that I don't have any time.
It really sucks, just so you know.
2011-09-30 @ 23:53:15
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My very own diary

This will in the future be my own place, my little space in the world. A place where I can be myself, where there's no need of pretending. With my thoughts, both weird and thoughtful. Even though I know no-one will ever read this, I'm still nervous for write something wrong. I'm nervous that people will hate me for the things I write, that people will hate me for who I am. I think that's the main reason to why many people want to fit in, even if it means they'll lose themselves. Because then they can always think "It's not the real me all the other dislike, it's the role I'm playing."

The last year has been very...hmm.. I don't know the right word. Maybe weird is a good description. Or discovering, or fuckin awesome. Okey, not the last. My whole world has been turned upsidedown, all those things I thougt were lies were truths, and the truth became a big lie. I have a lot to tell, but don't know where to begin.

All I can say is - Time to pretend.
2011-08-27 @ 23:12:53
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